No stupid questions.

Today I asked a "stupid" question. And was rewarded with the knowledge that I wasn't the only one thinking it with a chorus of, "I was wondering that too!" Usually that'd be me; today I took a chance.

Feeling hot hot hot!

Today I hiked 21 4th-graders through a variety of ecosystems and terrains. Guided them through a small ark's worth of animals (and their poop). Showcased a feisty snake and a lethargic rat. Drowned them with countless canteenfulls of water, zapped them with "death ray" blasts to their faces and backs of their necks. All in record temperatures--somewhere between 108 and 115, from what I've heard.

I had a feeling the summer we never really had this year was going to catch up to us this fall. I just didn't think it'd try to do it all in one day.

Trendyville USA

Still kinda feeling a little bit of that Thursday-funk today. I still think it has something to do with that e-mail I got--the one saying a particular beloved pastor at my church is moving to a different church and, with his departure, a certain beloved ministry is departing as well. Really, it doesn't affect me super personally; I mean, I wasn't super close with him or anything. But I think with his leaving, my hopes of finding community this next year in that ministry, with those people is leaving too. Dumb, I know, to put all my hopes on that one thing (I'm working on it). I think it mostly just hit me again with the news that I've been living without good community for so long, and I got kind of discouraged. It's true, the "lone ranger Christian" thing does suck, on a number of levels.

Anyway, I got back home tonight and the happy couple was about to head out to an evening service at a friend's church. Not wanting to sit at home and stew in my despair, I made the spur of the moment decision to tag along (oddly enough, to the church that certain beloved pastor is going to). I'd been there once before, and while the church is awesome, I definitely remembered feeling good and out of place there in the heart of "Trendyville USA," as I like to think of it. Not my exact cup of tea, but away we went. And there God and I had a good talk. At least the start of a good talk; it needs to be continued, for sure. About life. About secrets. About faithfulness. About community. And more. And suddenly I was very thankful for Trendyville and the opportunity they'd given me to meet God there.

Mother really DOES know best.

I've never eaten at an Arby's before. Before today, that is. The roommate, her hubbie, and myself went out for a chill night on the town: Downtown Disney, fireworks and popcorn (which we left in the car) from the parking structure roof, an entertaining Redbox movie... And Arby's. The happy couple said it was delicious, the groom especially swearing it was one of his faves. So, after years of being told by those nearest and dearest to me (aka Mom) that it wasn't anything worth writing home about, I decided to give it a shot. Got the #22, Philly steak sandwich meal (or something along those lines) with curly fries and a Dr. Pepper. And my verdict? Well, the curly fries were good...

That's one pleasure I will not be rushing out to enjoy again anytime soon. Not unless I want to have a load of crap sitting in my gut for the next couple of days or so. Mmm, mmm good...

Crisis moment.

Tonight I think I had just a tad little bit of a quarter-life crisis. Or maybe not even quite that bad. But I got home from a chill day at work feeling good. Then, after reading one particular e-mail, felt kind of bummed out. More bummed out than I maybe should have, considering the circumstances; I'm not really sure why. Then schlepped around the apartment for a bit, trying to figure out what to do with myself on my night off from being busy. Then went to Target and bought some Oreos. Then came home and ate a stack of them with some milk and peanut butter while watching some sappy old chick flick I'd never seen before. And now it's bed time, and I still feel a little bit off. A little bit tired. A little bit sad. A little bit lonely. A little bit I'm not even sure what. But tonight I feel a little bit lacking something. And I wish I could put my finger on it, because maybe then I'd know what to do to fix it.

And...action.

I'm not the best actress in the world. Most times I end up on film in some cheesy camp role or another, I cringe whenever I'm on screen. But tonight, in my new role at church, I landed a spot on the game-of-the-night's rules video. Yeah, it was cheeseball. Yeah, it was shot AND edited in something like 20-30 minutes. But yeah, I did it.

And sadly, they DID cut out the scene where I pitched the dodgeball at my competitor's head.

Confessions.

Today I told my mom that yesterday I ate my dessert before I ate my dinner. She huffed at me, just a bit.

Above it all.

Today at work I was one of the key initiators on a hike above and beyond (literally) any we ever get to/need to take at that site. Curiosity and restlessness and a desire to see what beyond drove us up and over that steep and slippery hillside, with a few of our more adventurous co-workers trailing not far behind. It was funny how climbing just a few more steps could totally change your view of things; other points that had once seemed so high and lofty themselves when we were standing on them now appeared almost downright insignificant. We noticed things we'd been driving past almost every day for years, and yet had never noticed before!

I'm sure there's a cool analogy in that, but I'm not going to think it up right now (knock yourselves out). On its own, it was a cool bit of "awe time," as us naturalists like to call it. Awe time that we even got paid for. Score.



Oh yeah, and I ate my dessert before my dinner tonight. Yay for being a grown-up.

Open books.

As you would know if you've read my first post on this blog, I had my birthday last week. 26. Officially up and over the crest of my mid-20s, on my way down the other side. Funny, I've never really felt old before, still always scoff when people my age and even a few years older sigh about how old they've gotten. Yet this past year, I've been noticing it. Small changes in my body, little creaks and groans; nothing big, but there nonetheless. Feeling odd that I remember the way certain things used to be wherever or with whatever when a new generation doesn't. And changes in my social circles--or at least, how I interact with and relate to my social circles. After all, there haven't been any drastic changes in the people I know and spent time with, really. I just notice things that I either never noticed or that never really bothered me before. Maturity levels. Cliques. Differences in interest. Age differences. I can definitely tell when I'm hanging out with people who are my peers versus those who are younger, and I long for more of these peer interactions--the way they challenge me, they way they encourage me, the way they cause me to think and grow. And I'm slightly more put off and reluctant to hang out with at least certain non-peer groups; not that I don't like them anymore, it's just that sometimes I feel like it's draining me of energy and holding me back somewhat from growing, and I don't want that. So I've been trying to prioritize, spending more time investing in the more iron-sharpens-iron relationships and less in the ones that keep my sharp edges more dulled.

Tonight feeling old and not wanting to feel dulled almost kept me from going to a hangout night. That, and the fact that I didn't know much of anyone there; this might sound bad, but I didn't really want to make new friends with more young "kids," I'd much rather with people my own age. Thanks to Facebook RSVP's, I thought there'd be at least a few peers there (to my shame, I am one of those people sometimes). Didn't know they'd cancel less than an hour before the party. So I showed up in a new place with a gang of new faces around, nervously half considering how and when I could make a premature escape if needed. And I ended up staying for pizza, multiple games of Mafia, a movie, cleanup and hangout. And I was pleasantly surprised, some of these people were pretty stinkin' legit. Lovers of God. Lovers of people. And when I left after 5 hours I didn't feel dulled, I felt like I'd had a good night hanging out with some cool new people, even made a few new friends I'd love to pursue more.

Maybe you'll think me a stuck-up, selfish jerk after reading this post; sometimes I wonder if I'm too far gone that way too. I'm not perfect, that's for sure. But tonight I was humbled in my attitude. Humbled and challenged yet again to be open and willing to give people a chance (or in some cases, another). To not judge a book by its cover, but to look at each person as a unique and special child of God who I may have the opportunity to both teach and learn from. And I don't want to miss those chances.

"They were books themselves, all of them were books, and what was so wonderful is that to them, I was a book too. We would sit around and talk about literature and each other, and I couldn't tell the difference between the books they were talking about and their lives..." [Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz]

Relationships.

Tonight I had one of those conversations that I oh-so-naturally want to flee from. One of those hard, gut-wrenching heart-to-hearts that needs to be had, yet nobody every likes to have them. And for a reason, they're NO FUN. But they're good and necessary and growing for the relationship. And I need to learn not to put them off so long, but to speak the truth in love and grace when it needs to be spoken, not a ways down the road; that never quite helps like I hope it will. I'm learning...

Committed.

Tonight I committed. To doing something I've already been doing, but more in-depth, more responsibility. To something that will likely take up a pretty decent amount of my already busy schedule. To something that will make me think back to my degree in ministry in ways I haven't had to in a while. To something that will allow me to be part of an old team in a very new way. To something that will hopefully challenge and inspire me, and hopefully also challenge and inspire some young lives.

A part of me is afraid I won't have any free time, any life; that I'll be burned out and exhausted and hate people; that I won't have what it takes to get the job done after all. I think these fears are mostly excuses I'm making to myself to keep from doing the harder thing, the more stretching thing. Because, when I really think about it, the things this opportunity has to offer are just the things I've been longing for. So tonight I committed. And I'm excited to see what God has in store as I step out on this new-ish venture, trusting greatly in his provision.

Magical.

Tonight I met up with a good friend at the Happiest Place on Earth for a few hours. We were both hoping to see the new World of Color show, but kinda knew that by the time we got there all the tickets would be gone. I figured I'd ask anyway. The cast member lady started and gave me a funny look. Turning to one of the ticket-taker people, she retrieved two WoC tickets and said, "Someone just decided they weren't going to stay for the show tonight and gave us these...it's your lucky night!" It was magical. And so was the show.

The magic continued later that night, as we were leaving the park. My friend had parked in the 3-hours-free-then-you-pay parking...and his 3 hours were up. If only we could get it validated, we lamented, but they don't usually do it for you anymore unless you buy something. Should we even ask? Why not? The worst they'll do is say "no." Deciding to give it a shot, we joked, "Shouldn't one of our camp friends or former campers work here and validated us whenever we came? After all, we've invested so much in them, it's the least they could do, right?" Haha, very funny. Right? Well, when we walked up to the movie theater ticket window to ask, the girl began to apologetically shake her head "no." Then it snapped around to the other person in the booth with her--a person who called my name. A former camp counselor, who walked us inside and validated us no problem! We caught up on life for a few, then left the park, free and clear. Magical.

Tonight I didn't so much as face tiny dangers as realize: what am I missing out on because I'm afraid to ask? Because I'm afraid to take a chance, that the answer will be "no"? What risks am I not taking because I'm afraid of failure, afraid I won't have what I need, have what it takes? In what ways am I missing seeing God work in my life because I am afraid? In what ways is he dying to show me his glory?

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..."
[Eph. 3:20]

Boing.

I bounced my first check this week. Almost. Turns out my bank has this magical way of automatically withdrawing moolah from savings if needed to make up the difference of, say, a rent check that the apartment owners cash long after it's been sent and forgotten. Had a brief heart-stopping moment of panic when I saw my checking account registering as $0.00, but a quick transfer and disaster was averted. Thanks, bank!

Why is it so hard to trust God with money sometimes? He's given us salvation, he's promised to take care of us, promised to provide what we need in so many ways. "Every animal of the forest is mine," he says, "and the cattle on a thousand hills." [Ps. 50:10] And I can't even begin to tell you stories of how he's provided from the most unlikely of places in the past! Yet every time that bank account starts to droop, or the car breaks down, or a wedding far away, my heart lurches and my stomach twists in fear and agony. I lack faith. I lack trust. I lack remembrance. And so I am afraid.

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deed.
[Ps. 77:11-12]

Run run run.

Tonight I went for a run out in the neighborhood behind my apartment. Not the first time I've done this, for sure, although not one of my favorite things to do. For one thing, I hate running. For another, I hate running/working out in general in front of people. Tonight for an audience I had a 5-year-old boy across the street yelling at me, "Are you jogging?" "What's that? [to my iPod]" "Can I listen?" "I'm your coach!" Too cute. But the adventure came when I decided to leave my comfortable tract of houses and head out the other end onto the main streets, taking them the rest of the way home. In front of lots of cars and people. And I didn't die of embarrassment or get run over or whatever I'm afraid will happen. Point for me.



On another note, I was thinking about fear in general tonight, how it can completely irrationally keep us from doing completely rational things, from doing the right thing. Like jogging on a busy street. Like having that difficult conversation. Like admitting mistakes. But what do you do when that fear proves that it's not completely unfounded? When you get hit by a stray car? When that conversation blows up in your face? When mistakes admitted become sins unforgivable? How hard it is to ever want to do that thing again! How easy it is to just run, run run...

Dang it.

No dangers faced and conquered today. I had dinner with a friend about some church stuff and meant to bring up/fix some personal issues, but chickened out. I mean the conversation was going so well and the issues happened a while ago and maybe things would get better or I would just bring it up next time there was an issue... Clearly I'm slightly terrified of confrontation. And clearly, I should really have that conversation.

Dang it. 3 days in, and already I'm backing down, taking the easy way out. Why is it so often so hard to do the right thing?

Standing room only.

Tonight's tiny dangers brought to you by Brendan James! His new self-titled sophomore album came out today, with nary a bad song on it. Brendan sings with a passion that makes you feel like you're seeing a piece of his soul, and always leaves you wanting more. Pick up his album for only $7.99 on iTunes! NOW!!!

Lol, ok enough of the shameless plug for a man I've been digging big time this summer...tonight at his show (which Karen and I enjoyed from less than 10 feet away in that hot, sweaty, crowded room) I made a new concert-going friend, Danela...and we left her to guard our purses while we went and chatted it up with BJ outside. Maybe not the smartest idea in the world, now that I think of it, but it all worked out ok. I guess it just goes to show there are still some nice, honest people in the world. Apparently she's going to find us on Facebook and we're going to go to more shows together. :)

Oh yeah, and then when the night was all said and done and Todd Carey, Brendan James, and Jason Reeves had all left the stage for the last time, Karen and I totally jaywalked across Pico Blvd. I guess we felt a little giddy after the show (and being back out in the cool, crisp, fresh air!) and not in the mood for the crosswalk sign to change. It made me smile.

"Run with me down these midnight streets, we will take/Nothing for granted, nothing for granted/Come with me life is short and sweet, we will take/Nothing for granted, nothing for granted..." [Brendan James]

26

Today is my birthday! I've now completed a quarter century of my life and, as my dad enjoyed pointing out, am closer now to 50 than I am to the start of my life [thanks, dad]. This year promises lots of familiarity--familiar job, familiar roommate, familiar church... Yet I also sense - and a big part of me really hopes it to be true - that I'm on the brink of something new. New people. New places. New experiences. New adventures.

And that excites me. As much as I love the familiar, and as much as it keeps getting better with every year, I don't want to be stuck where I'm at, doing the "same old, same old" no matter what. I want to be stretched. I want to be challenged. I want to grow. I want to face those "tiny dangers" in my life that really are nothing to be afraid of, but still somehow hold me back.

So here I am. You may laugh at some of the things I consider "dangers," like my avoidance of malls and terror of haircuts. Others you may be able to relate to, like how I hate confrontation and am kind of shy by nature. But my goal is to not just sit back and live in the familiar and comfortable, but to face these tiny dangers. To challenge myself to step out of my comfort zones and learn to walk in trust and obedience and faith. Though you laugh, I will chronicle dangers faced anyway, hoping that as I don't shy from the little things, I will also be training myself to not shrink from the big things when they come my way. And when I can't always be fearless, I pray I will at least be found faithful.

TODAY...

It's my birthday, and the scariest things I confronted today were countless little siblings swarming my backside like sharks to blood, each set and determined to give me 26 full-force birthday spankings. That may not seem too bad, but I'm the oldest of 9 and trust me, I was helpless and it was terrifying. I may not sit comfortably for a week.